Miller Lite’s Vortex bottle leverages declassificed military technology to create a nearly turbulence free vortex for their great tasting and less filling pilsner as it swirls through the neck of the North American longneck. New objective research demonstrates conclusively that these specially designed grooves offer consumers an 81% more pleasing mouth feel and 73% greater sexual prowess.
The technology behind the MillerCoors Vortex bottle was developed for use in Naval nuclear propulsion and held as a closely guarded secret for years. A nuclear subarmine propeller (aptly referered to by Navy seamen as a ‘screw’) was so secret during the height of the Cold War that propellers were shrouded with a large covering (known to seamen as a ‘jimi-hat’) when subs returned from patrol.
Designed according to a multi-dimensional optimization calculation, the vortex grooves feature pitches and cambers that are not (almost) constant over all the groove segments. Instead, pitch and camber are optimized on the basis of a vortex grid calculation method and a stepwise optimization over many thousand iterations for each segment.
Recent independent lab tests demonstrate that enhanced sexual prowess and mouth feel are entirely correlated with the optimized vortex grooves and not the phallic bottle shape. Daniel Bernoulli, Professor of MetaPhysics at the University of Basel and a renowned expert in fluid flow agreed: “For an inviscid flow, an increase in the speed of the fluid occurs simultaneously with a decrease in pressure or a decrease in the fluid’s potential energy. I drink Miller Lite all the time.”
Furthermore, independent tests were unable to disprove the correlation between this vortex adaptation and sexual prowess. In what can only come as a great embarassment to jcrhoo at ViewPoints, independent lab tests were also unable to disprove correlation between non-vortex bottles and sexual ineffectiveness and/or moderate to extreme flatulence.
73% Greater Sexual Prowess
While anecdotal evidence has been abundant for years, this new research offers quantifiable proof that the MillerCoors Vortex bottle is objectively superior to non-vortex bottles offering consumers both the mouth feel they crave and the sexual potency they deserve. We’ll drink to that.
** Footnote: ‘Moderate To Extreme Flatulence’ in lab tests, was defined as ‘greater than light to mild flatulence’.
Scientific Proof Magazine 
Dear Scientific Proof Magazine,
Thank you! I switched from Bud Light to Miller Lite about three weeks ago and have received noticeably increased attention by the fairer sex. Upon reading that Miller Lite is resonsible for 73% of my greater sexual prowess, I have indeed stepped up consumption of said product to enhance my attractiveness. I do have one question that perhaps you can answer: how much do I have to drink to hold the amazing sexual prowess of your Miller Lite man pictured in your article?
Dear Kenniiiieeee,
First, let me apologize for the delay in responding to your post. In response to this article, your author and our panel of renowned scientific experts were invited to keynote the International Conference on Nanomaterials Applications & Properties at Sumy State University in Alushta. Obviously this is quite a prestigious honor and this summer has been a blur of preparations and celebratory binge drinking.
In response to your question: as you have already deduced, there is indeed a positive correlation (0.9214) between the quantity of fine malted barley, select grains and choice hops consumed via Miller Brewing Co.’s patented vortex delivery system and increased sexual prowess. Unfortunately, to achieve the degree of success exhibited by our test subject (who by coincidence happens also to be a professional model of male pogonotrophy styles) would be impractical for the casual drinker. The photo was taken after nearly 3 days of continuous vortex consumption with a diet consisting entirely of rare meat and Nat Sherman breakfast cigars.
While we can’t all be pogonotrophy models or renowned science experts, we here at Scientific Proof Magazine applaud your efforts and encourage you to continue to strive toward greatness.
Most Sincerely,
Dr. Quint S. Genschel