Manhattan, NY

Planetary scientists announced that they have observed a slight increase in the Earth’s distance from the Sun. “The Earth is being nudged out into a bigger orbit,” said Dr. Biggy Lips. “Starting this summer, we noticed a small but detectable increase in the Earth’s orbit. It’s as if each day something is giving the Earth a little kick. The impulse is causing the Earth to speed up just so slightly, pushing the Earth to higher orbit. The jolt of energy is very small but builds up over time. To increase the orbit, the “push” would have to be on the trailing side of the Earth, effectively increasing its speed. This means the pulse of energy is occurring just before sunset.”

After days of careful seismic monitoring scientist believe the source of energy seems to be coming from the vicinity of Manhattan NY. “Some bouncing motion is occurring every afternoon,” said Dr. Lips. “If we don’t find the cause soon, and stop it, the Earth will be propelled completely out of the Solar System.”

Other scientists are less convinced. “What could be providing such a pulse?” asked Professor Bo Ounce. “This theory is crazy. What could the force be? The A train? A baby bouncing in a Jumperoo on the Upper West Side?”

Scientific Proof Magazine insists on proofs, so our editors decided to look for an authoritative source. We spoke to Wit Les, PhD, of Big Apple Astrology. After Mr. Wit did my horoscope (“stay in bed next Tuesday”), he consulted his tables and explained that since the Moon was in Aquarius and Mars was ascendant, Earth was not in fact moving away from the Sun, rather the Sun is moving away from the Earth!

Just in case, however, New York City officials announced they would be taking steps to eliminate any possibility that the Earth would be ejected from the Solar System. “It would take a terrible toll on our lucrative tourist business,” said Mayor Bloomberg. “So to save the Earth and prevent financial loss to the City, we are now running the A train backwards and are in the process of confiscating all Jumperoos north of 42nd street and west of the Park.